hmmmmm…

I must say i’m not even sure what to write…so many times when i write it’s about the kids or to vent frustrations, or possibly to vocalize my political thoughts.  However, I find myself at my keyboard this morning with a loss of words…I mean there is plenty going on, like yesterday Erin was apparently bad at school & the teacher had to write me a note.  Something to do with crayons & they asked her to stop & she wouldn’t, but the note didn’t have specifics & Erin didn’t remember or say what exactly happened.  Actually all she had to say was that the teacher gave them doughtnuts at school…so she couldn’t have been that bad or else she shouldn’t have gotten one, right?  Anyway I spoke with her, & she has agreed to be good at school from now on, but I’m sure she’s bound to have a bad day here & there.

& next week we are to go pick up Tre’s TAOS walker (if you want to know what it looks like you-tube it, there’s a video).  Anyway I am totally excited about this because it will mean that Tre is able to get about somewhat by himself, at least around the house & school.  Hopefully he will do well with it.

But still i have nothing much to type today.  The house is so quiet, both the kids are now in school, & they finally got Tre’s bus started so I actually have a few hours to myself…of course those few hours are usually filled with housework or phone calls or filling out masses of paperwork (I have no idea how I get so much paperwork to fill out!!) but at least I can do those things while sitting in front of my favorite tv show, & not be interrupted by the little ones.

So I shall depart to my couch with my cup of coffee!

Tre’s school evaluation & IEP…

okay so today Tre had his school eval. which was supposed to be to decide if he qualifies for school services (which of course we knew he does) & also to assess him to see what they would be doing at school for him. (for those of you who dont know, he is elgible for school services because he is disabled & now 3yrs. old)

so i show up at our appt. at 9am. well apparently what they were doing today was really, assessments for kids who are more borderline, which obviously Tre is not.  they were not prepared for us, since they could tell just by seeing that he is in a wheelchair that he qualifies for services.  they needed paperwork which they did not have, so they asked me to come back at 1pm, which was fine with me.  (i say fine, but what i mean is that although i didn’t mind much i was still peeved that they were unprepared for us) i talked with the lady in charge & told her that i had called last may  spoke with someone in the special education department & told them our situation & asked about when i would need to get him tested for services & they told me to wait until school started.  well obviously that information was incorrect & they should have set up evals. for aug so that he could start once he turned 3.

so anyway i go back at 1pm, (& i had to take erin with me bc she was then out of school, which erin was good, but i hate having to make her go to appts with us, esp. when i need to be able to focus on what is going on) so they do all of their paperwork & paper evals. which are basically to find out what Tre is & is not capable of.  but since they were unprepared for our kind of eval. there were no therapists there or vision consultants to be able to do their assessments. so they have scheduled an IEP for next wed, bc they have to do one before they start him. then he will start on thurs. but they will have to do another IEP after everyone does their assessments & also they need to get paperwork about his medical condition too.

so now i feel rushed & feeling like i have to be more on top of everything so that things are not overlooked just because they are rushing to get him in since now, he is already 3.  which i appreciate that they are in a hurry to get his services started but now i am concerned about being informed of everything. & i want to be there when the therapist eval. him & all of that.

plus Tre’s school is about 15-20min away (he cant go to erin’s school bc they have special classrooms designed for medically dependent kids, & that is great but puts me in a tough spot of having kids in 2 different schools) & since we have but one vehicle (that is not doing well & i am praying that it stays in working condition until tax return time) i have to take bobby to & from work so that i can take erin to & from school & take tre to appts.  which there is a bus that can take tre but i dont know the times, & it may be hard for me to be here to put him on a bus.  plus i have to decide whether to put him in am or pm, erin is in am which i would like for them to go at the same time, but if they do then i have to schedule all tre’s appts for the afternoon & take erin with us.  but if i put tre in the pm, then i have no chance at having a little break at all.

so anyhow this was my day & now i am filled with questions & decisions to be made on the fly!

yay TRE!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRE!!!

it’s early but already tre is off to a great day! he just had his cereal & ate it without biting the spoon!!! yay!! he usually either doesnt close his mouth at all so you are dropping food in, or he bites the spoon with every bite & wont let go.  but he actually closed his lips around the spoon without biting!! yay!!! this is such a great thing!! i hope he continues with this! it will make feeding time much easier & less aggravating for me!!

i cant believe my little boy is 3 today! it seems like such a short time, but in that short time so much has happened.  & here we are today, changed forever.  i remember going into labor with him, i ididnt know that i was in labor until i had been for several hours.  then when we went to the hospital, things changed so much from such a joyous moment to the unsure thoughts of what may be, since he was 5weeks early.  but although he had to spend 12 long days in the nicu, he progressed the whole time & came home such a sweet little bundle.

an unnoficial official diagnosis…

so many of you know our story. but if not you can check out my blog for tre’s story.

anyhow, we have finally gotten an official unnofficial  diagnosis (if that makes any sense!) of severe quadriplegic cerebral palsy, for tre.  it sounds bleak, however it is sort of a relief to me.  because anytime anyone asked, his diagnosis, or what happened i basically felt obligated to tell our tragic story, of an anoxic brain injury caused by a co-sleeping accident.  (which is inevitable followed by extreme sadness) but now that we have this, i feel like i am reliving that day less.  since cerebral palsy, is caused by some sort of brain damage/injury (whether it be before, during or after birth) i dont feel so obligated to tell our whole story every time, & each time reliving that terrible day.  it seems easier to say this than the other.  although the pain will always be there, & the tragedy has affected us forever, i feel like for the first time in 2 & a half years, i can put one foot forward in moving on from the pain.  which i really havent done, yet.  this whole time, even though we have done everything we can to get tre the best care & what he has needed since then.  i have still been in mourning, for my loss, unable to move on.  even though we didnt  “lose” tre, he became a different person that day, & i have since been mourning my baby.

& it’s not just the diagnosis, that has brought this on, but tre will be 3 tomorrow, & like the last two years, his birthday, has brought tears to my eyes.  however this year is different in that, i am thinking less of what could have been & now of what will be for him.  he has made so much progress in the last year, so much more than the year before. & he has such a great team of doctors, specialists, & therapists & now he is getting ready to begin school as well.  i feel like his life is moving forward instead of treading water, waiting for services, & equipment.

& so i pray that each day, each week, each year i will mourn less & i will be able to move on from this.  that i wont be so sad every time i look into his eyes. that i wont cry every time i see another child his age, running around, able to hug their momma…

JUST DO YOUR JOB!!

okay is it just me or does anyone else get tired of dealing with people who cant seem to do their job or act like it’s a big hassle when it’s just part of their job????

i’m constantly on the phone, with dr.s offices, medicaid, pharmacies, etc all the time stuff for tre & i get so tired of people acting like i am putting them out when all i am asking is that they do their job the right way!!

i am so fed up with the pharmacy!! i have just been using the walmart pharmacy bc it was convenient & i had never had any problems until this past month! they have been terrible! they have tried to charge us for prescriptions, when we have no copay bc medicaid covers whatever our private ins. doesnt.  then when i got my son’s script refilled, they refilled the wrong script (it was the same med but wrong amt. so now i will be short for the month & will have to have them call for approval from the ins. when i run out) & then i went to get my daughter’s script filled for her sinus inf. & they couldnt give her one of the meds bc they needed the dr.s approval to get the generic (which they have never needed approval for a generic before, but i guess their rules changed) well that was yesterday. so i patiently waited until today & called back, they said that they didnt hear from the dr. yet. so i called the dr. myself & spoke with the nurse, she said she had in her notes that they faxed it over to them yesterday!! but that she would call & personally speak to the pharmacy to get it fixed.  then the pharmacy calls, they talked to dr. but dont have enough of the med to fill the script. so now they had to transfer it to a diff. walmart & i have to get it from there!!!  OMG!! the pharmacy just called again!! they read the script wrong & they do have what they need to fill it!!!! uggggghhhhh!

STOP SAYING “ORIENTAL”!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay i dont know if i am the only asian that this bothers or what…but i really wish that people (mostly my own MOTHER [whom happens to be whtie]) would stop saying oriental or those orientals & stop calling me oriental.!!!!!! it is driving me CRAZY!! i’m not sure if it is the word or just the way that she says it but it’s making me nuts!!

i keep telling her “mom, it’s called asian” but she doesnt care, she just says what she wants…& yes i realize that i am asian & my mom is a white racist (not merely for this comment but for many things she really is racist)…isnt it terrible?!!!  the sad thing is she totally doesnt think she’s racist, she just thinks she’s patriotic!! (she’s so dilusional!! but i have found that many are not unlike her!)….which is a whole other topic!!  uggghhh!!

okay sorry just had to get it out somewhere!!!!!

erin’s first day of school…

so today was erin’s first day of pre-k!! i took her into her class this morning & at first she wanted to do a puzzle instead of sitting & looking at a book until class started, but i got her to cooperate.  & sadly departed so that my little girl could start her school career.  then three short hours later i went back to pick her up.  she was standing nicely in line & i got her into the car & home.  when we got home i asked her how her day went…& she told me that she was sorry bc it was all her fault.  i asked her what was all her fault & she told me that she kicked the teachers aide, & that she also pushed a boy sitting at a table…oy! i asked her why & she just said she was sorry.  i asked her if she got into trouble & she said no. so i had to talk to her about not kicking or hitting anyone & not pushing anyone either…yikes! she knows this is unacceptable! but the teacher didnt say anything about it so i am hoping it was a minor incident & that she was well behaved except for that & i am hopeful that she will not continue with this kind of behavior.  goodness! i feel so badly! i hope this is not an indication of how her behavior is to be at school, normally she is so well behaved!

women’s rights…

i must say that i am very surprised that women do not feel that women’s rights should be a bigger issue. i had really hoped that when hillary decided to run for president that she would want to use women’s rights a little more, but i feel in the end she felt it would make her look weak…which is another problem with women today, in america, we feel that if we declare that we are women then we are showing our weakness…why is that? why do women feel that they do not deserve paid maternity leave??? even women whom have been at their job for years?? & even if you havent been there for years many women dont even feel that their job should have to hold their position open for them to come back. & what about birth control? jobs dont offer maternity leave but they also dont offer insurance that covers birth control…why should insurance pay for viagra but not pay for birth control? & what about pay scales? women are paid less than men in general, not in every instance of course but generally speaking a women will be paid less. & what about things like public nursing? why is it that we as a society have moved away from the most natural thing about being human? why is it that we feel that women should have to hide in order to nurse their babies?

i am just astonished that women feel complacent in our society today. they feel that since we can vote & buy a house without a man then we should be happy. well i am not happy!! i feel that more & more pressures are put on women to act a certain way but we reap none of the benefits…i do not want to be treated like a man!!! i want respect as a woman!! we are expected to work & if we dont then women & men look down upon us.

why have we become a nation of as long as i am doing okay then i dont give a crap about anyone else? as long as i have health insurance it’s okay.  as long as i get maternity leave it’s okay.  as long as i get paid decent wages then it’s okay.  dont people know that you are the minority? the majority of people are not getting benefits & rights they deserve. uggghhhH!! since when did women become so uncaring for each other?

My TOTALLY FREAKY Dream!!!

okay so i rarely remember my dreams but last night i had the WEIRDEST dream i have EVER had!! i was in this house, a really big old house.  & there were these people that were conning other groups of people to come to this house. (i dont remember how they were getting them there except that it was under false pretenses) so they are bringing in these large groups of people & locking them in rooms once they get them there. (all the people they were bringing in were immigrants) so then once they get them in the rooms they are going from room to room & beating the crap out of people with like whips…i know right?! so i guess i was like one of the people trapped but somehow i am hiding & observing. (there is no one in my dream that i actually know, just people, which is also weird to me bc there is usually someone i know)

so then they are beating these people basically until they are dead.  then they get out this huge hose, like a fire hose & they are spraying out the rooms, well i guess i am like in a basement now…& there are those old looking heater vents in the wall.  the grate ones.  well they are spraying out the rooms & it’s like it makes the people like dissolve & everything is coming gushing through these vents in the basement…only it just sorta looks like mud oozing out of them….well then it’s filling up the basement so me & some other people are trying to escape…& then i wake up…

so what the heck is that all about???? i mean truly this is the strangest dream i have ever had!!