A Flood of Emotions…

Please tell me that the pregnancy hormones haven’t already kicked in!  I am so ecstatic to announce our pregnancy!  but at the same time I am a mess of emotion.  Plus last weekend we had our family Christmas (late) and there is all the Christmas emotion lingering as well.  Missing my Papa at the holidays and loving my grandmother, yet wondering if we will have another Christmas with her.  Wondering if my baby will get to have at least one picture with her to cherish.  Seeing my sisters beautiful twins and feeling the tears come to my eyes when these little tiny babies make eye contact with me, and hold their heads up and reach out their hands to pull at my necklace, and wonder why my little Tre had to have such a tragedy.  Why? Why me? But at the same time being grateful that he is still with us.  And then wondering how I will ever get through a day with my new baby without mourning my last.  Yes Tre is still with us but he is not the baby I had, he is forever changed, and now will I ever be able to feel happiness without that twinge of sadness?

I have to get ahold of myself! I’ve cried every day since I saw those babies! Just remembering them looking into my eyes brings the flood of tears.  How will I ever make it?  I don’t want my baby to remember me crying all the time but how can I not be sad for my little boy?  And worried for my new baby too, I never thought tragedy would strike us as it did, but now I worry constantly over everything!  In my heart I know that everything will work out in God’s will but in my mind I cannot help but worry.  Surely these hormones are the cause of all this!  We are in such a good place, pregnant with our third.  Happy, our children are healthy with the exception of Tre’s CP.  I should be rejoicing not crying!

I pray God will give me the strength I will need to be the mother my children deserve.

~ by seoulnotes on January 14, 2009.